"A Life Written In Pencil"....

Chapter one... The leaky bucket.
I went to my book club this past friday and we read the book "The Glass Castle" which is a biography written as a collection of memories and stories, easy to read, plenty of thought provoking questions are raised and it made for a great discussion.

We organized a list of books for the year and then volunteered our homes as host sites for the book of the month. This months hostess posed this question to our group, "what would you title a book written about your life?" and then we wrote them down and passed them to her anonymously. She read each one aloud and we guessed who's title it was. It was fun how well we knew each other. Some were obvious (we didn't think on them TOO long- just from the top of your head) But I was pretty proud of mine, I wrote two as I am indecisive as you can see from my title. "A life written in Pencil".
We went around the room and when our title was guessed we got to tell a small snippet of how we came to choose it. A couple of us put 2 titles down cause there are several chapters in a life and it seems we could go several ways with which part of our life we wanted to highlight.

I chose my title based off the fact that I am indecisive if I go to a new restaurant it takes me forever to pick something cause I want to read each item on the menu in detail... and then after all that I ask the server what their favorite is, just for fun- now it's sort of a tradition.

Writing in pen is so final isn't it? As an artist I would never start a masterpiece in something as permanent as pen... Maybe this is why I admire tatoo artists so much, what they are doing is so final. But if you look back over your life isn't there times we had to erase go back and try that path again. I don't mean regrets, I mean apologies, repentance, oooppsss, darn, I might have done that differently had I known.... That's what it means to me, "A life written in pencil" It's fun for me to think on all the ways that can be read into... Maybe it means this life is just a rough draft, we don't need pen cause we aren't in our final copy. Maybe it means our life is being written in God's notebook, he's the author and he will erase our mistakes with the atonement and when the copy is perfected he'll print the final piece on soft silky pages with gold or silver edges and then we can look back and see the masterpiece he's created... Like the clay on a potters wheel.


I know there will be that person who reads this and thinks, "I don't want my life choices changed, I have no regrets, I don't want to read perfectly I want my life to be read the way it was lived. I do write in pen!" I say, AwEsOMe!! I just thought it was clever for off the cuff ya know?
I like the thought of improving on what's here, it doesn't mean the life written in pencil is edited to perfection, it just means there is the opportunity to clean up the edges, erase the smudges, as I'm typing this I'm making errors that have to be deleted and rewritten, it doesn't mean that the whole post is perfect... get what I'm trying to say?
SO what is "A Leaky Bucket".
I think the leaky bucket is another one of life's metaphors. "The Leaky Bucket- A true story of my Life" can you see yourself picking up that book wondering what it contents might hold? That book may contain all the stories of my mothering, (I do have some unique stories) it may be the story of my childhood which very literally did have some leaky rain water being caught in a bucket stories...

The leaky bucket might symbolize all the effort that is put into marriage, work, kids, homes, friends, families, church, community, school etc... the time and love put into any given thing that doesn't hold "water"....It sounds like a sad story. A marriage that isn't what you thought it would be (not mine of course- wedded bliss even after 7 short years- xo hugs to that man) a child that's unappreciative (all kids under the age of 5 ;) a friend who discounts the loyalty you've given them, a home that sucks your paychecks endlessly...anything that saps your energy and spirit.

This one fit for me that night, it's hard to describe the place I am in. I am dedicated to growing as a person, I am becoming very conscience of the things I bring into my life, the effect my choices and thoughts bring to my success, my happiness. I am learning to live life very deliberately- but with that comes a new awareness of all my insecurities and weaknesses that I am trying to grow out of. It's an interesting thing introspection? to really examine your flaws to determine how you need to grow. I would warn you to proceed with that undertaking cautiously.


Life sometimes can be like a leaky bucket. You try desperately to fill your bucket with positivity, love, humor, prayer, hobbies, wisdom, memorable experiences and other things you do and satan is there with a hammer and nails constantly pounding away at our exterior trying to put a hole in our positivity, driving hate and anger into our relationships... We have to be constantly aware of the nail holes ebbing the water from our bucket.

Our home teacher has been diligent in coming to our home, and he has been one of those good ones you actually DO call when you need an elbow relocated (Jacey) and you trust to give a blessing if you are in need. He gave his lesson this month on perspective, Optimism vs. Pessimism. Changing our attitude looking for the light in a situation. I am grateful for him adding that lesson to all that I have been taking in lately. It added perfectly to my study and growth and I'm happy to have his association. Do we focus on the hardship? or do we look for the growth we will gain from it? Do we sit down WITH Satan and CRY about the HOLES? or do we find a way to patch them up and feverishly keep adding water to the bucket?

I don't know, I thought it was fun to think of all the ways we might title a book of our life. I have a good one that I do know. And it is a goal of mine to continue to focus on shedding my negativity and adopting an optimistic attitude. I love my Rose colored glasses.... hhmmm maybe that will be the title of "Chapter 2". :)

Daddy Daughter Dance

So I have to make this brief as I am taking Luky and Tay to get a bite to eat and a movie for movie night while Jacey and Daddy are on a special date.
The school has a daddy daughter dance tonight and Jacey got to wear her special dress that we bought during Christmas but since it is a 7 we have waited to wear it. Tonight, however seemed like the perfect occasion for a new dress, we did hair, fancy jewelry and I even put a little makeup on her!! she was loving it. A little makeup sure makes her look like she's headed to prom and I got a glimpse into our future (as did her father waiting on 2 girls getting hair and makeup on instead of just one!) But I think she is feeling fancy and I hope they have a great time.
Kirk and Erika are headed over to dinner at Dairy Queen with them, then off the the high school for some boogieing... I can't wait to hear about how much fun they had!! They alllook so darn cute!!

Reflection and Growth...

I am sitting here listening to Lucas cry in time-out (didn't come when I asked him-just flat out ignored me)

and a conversation between Jacey and Daddy,

"come here"
you're going to tickle me...
"no, Daddies way too tired to tickle"
I know it, I know you're going to tickle me
"no I'm not"
aaahhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhaaa the tickling continues...
Jacey says, "I knew it!! I knew you were going to tickle me!!"

ahhha hahahha haha ( I think deep down she wanted him to tickle her, but she was right, she knew what was coming.

Things are good around here, we are so blessed and really have nothing to complain about these days. I am learning through books and positive associations in my life how to CHOOSE positive, CHOOSE happiness, CHOOSE action...

I've learned so much this last year, I am loving my book club that was organized through church. It has introduced me to a variety of different books. I have enjoyed everything I've read for different reasons. I think the best page turner I've read has been the Hunger Games trilogy. I'm reading books for business as well as pleasure and the business book I'm reading right now is "the Power of Positive Thinking", it's totally helped me focus on the positive side of life and actively look for the good in people, situations, and really helped bring out a belief in myself that I never knew how to tap into.

Too many people (I am included in that group) worry about things that are out of their control, stress over things without taking steps to change them, or focus on all the wrong in their lives... Imagine for a moment if we adopted an attitude of gratitude, focused on our blessings, looked for way to serve others, prayed for the Lord's will to be done in our lives, practiced being more faithful in our trials, Prayed for strength, ask the Lord how we can be an instrument in his hands.

That is what being a part of Yoli has meant to me this last year.... It's funny how we are taught our whole lives in the Church and by our families (my family at least- Like Nephi I was born of goodly parents) how to read the scriptures, pray, keep good friends and all those things we've heard for years. But sometime we don't understand the reasoning behind those teachings until we are older, or hear it in the poetic words of a good book, gather experiences from successful people who back up everything we already know will make us happy? I get to surround myself with people that are focused on serving others, giving a hand up, lending their experience to your success, praise you for your effort, They speak good of others, rejoice in great friendships, and laugh and go and do... I think the thing I am most happy about these days is the growth I've enjoyed by learning from reading, listening, associations, friendships and finding a new belief in myself.

I heard the same things from the scripture stories, prophets, teachers, and parents for 30 years but I am just now figuring out why, and how these things apply- and that my dear friends is life changing. There isn't anyone who can change the belief I have in myself except for me. I see big happiness in my future... BIG.

Update... for the record.

Why on EARTH is this so difficult for me to start lately? I sit and look at the screen and wonder what is so important in my life that anyone would be interested in reading about? And so hear I sit looking at the screen.

FOR EMILY: Dolly Partons Smoky Mountain Christmas has been on at a variety of times if we had a blank "TAPE" we could re-record it so that tradition isn't lost. I watched a few minutes and laughed out loud. if anyone would have been here I would have watched it all, but by myself it just felt sad. So come over and we can watch it together!! Other family who hasn't seen it- you are invited too, the more the merrier. It's funny cause it's OLD!!

Jacey and Lucas started Karate a few weeks ago and they have been enjoying that. They are super cute to watch and we are already implementing some things they are learning. All good things.

Here are some Random things from Halloween that I never posted. THanks Jill for lending us Taylors pirate outfit. she was super cute and pretty warm.
We did a indoor trick or treat at our church where each church auxilery decorated a room and the kids went around to visit with a treat and stuff. we did ghost-tac-toooOOoooo... get it? haha it was plan be but the kids liked it and they got a balloon at the end.

I'm still learning my Yoli business and that has been a positive experience that I am SOOO happy to throw myself into when I get the chance. I've had great results from the products so it is really easy to share with others. I've grown personally from the business experience and the people I meet are fun, inspiring, motivational, and so positive that it's rubbed off on me. I love passing that on to those on my team and growing closer in those friendships.

Jacey has had great reports for behavior in school since that hard week of losing her precious stuffed animals for her behavior at school.

Justin is loving his job but struggling with some dynamics within the company and we are constantly trying to figure out where he will be happiest. He works the constuction side of linework right now and is thinking a utitily might be a happy spot for himself. He applys for openings when they come up. Trying to stay local but I suppose we keep our options open (within reason) (:

So that's us for today. work. Karate. school. errands. cleaning...yada yada yada. :) Lifes good. Merry Christmas Y'all if I don't get back to this before then!!

Moooaaaa!

Kids lately

It's been 3 months... I'm ashamed to say.
Let's start with kids, Jacey (I was told in a quiet moment) scored the highest in her class on the "dibble" test, which is some sort of aptitude test. I won't pretend to know if it's a credible version or some version the state requires that doesn't actually measure real skills or knowledge.
She actually has some behavioral issues (aka. talking in class, distracting others, interrupting) that have caused her to lose her "star" which resulted in a note being sent home. BUT HEY, she's smart as a whistle! Hahaha

Lucas, Lucas, Lucas... I've never met anyone like him. He can melt your heart and break your heart all in one hour. I normally write exactly what I'm thinking and the experiences are sometimes funny, outrageous and almost always promise some sort of horror at my expense. But as I think on that boy of mine, I wonder, will these thoughts ever find their way to his hands. I don't ever want to break his heart with my words by being so brutally honest that it would hurt him someday to read them.
With all the struggles I felt, with him in particular, I need him to know I love him. I have asked the Lord what I should do with this boy I am in care of and all the answers I recieved were to increase in love. I discipline A LOT probably to a fault. I have a phobia of having children who lack respect. Respect for laws, rules, people. I know I can't change the choices they'll make as adults, that is why it's crucial they learn young how to be obedient and think for themselves how to make good choices. (tangent-sorry)
But I've found that I don't always follow up my discipline with the affirmation that I still love him. I'm hoping that realization will change our relationship for the better. I've also started giving him more physical affection that seemed to naturally diminish with our fighting. Between the recognition of my faults and an increase of love I'm praying over time we'll be blessed with a respect for each other. HE perplexes me that's for sure.

Taylor's writing symphonies and learning french... um. yes, I'm kidding. She's 2. She acts very two and she's the cutest thing you ever SAW!! on the verge of potty training, we work on it here and there. She's pretty independent and learning how to sass from everyone else. PERFECT!!
she hates her hair in pony tails (I'm writing this now for my own recollection of what she was like at this age) She is putting diapers on everything lately. including Buzz Lightyear, stuffed animal cats, babies, barbies and she's pretty good at it. she changes clothes more than any other kids I know. She's experimented with scissors, markers, eggs, and loves to get things from the fridge like milk, cheese, and a variety of other knick knacks.


THis is quickly turning into the long update letter you get at Christmas...

HENCE I haven't blogged in a while, all my creative energy is being used elsewhere.

I will try to update when something relevant happens so it's more interesting to hear about. :)

Time will tell...

This short entry stems from the thoughts of my mom's most recent post where she relates a story of trust from a toddler in her auntie to the trust and faith we must place in our Father in Heaven.

"I had this same thought today (without the eloquent words) during my presidency meeting... We worked on our situation and then closed with a prayer, my thoughtful Primary president prayed for my family and the life choices that need to be made. I crumbled in tears... My first thought was "I DID NOT want to go to Yelm 2nd ward, I knew I'd hate it there." I found myself in a mess of sobbing at the thought of possibly leaving all that I have come to adore... Oooohh how our father knows best. Then the inspiration came (or peace) "maybe I don't want to go now, and yes the transition will be tough, but maybe it will be the best place of all." where along the path of life did I lose my faith in the Lord's plan for me? or us? The answer to my prayers came today in the form of a peaceful feeling that told me, "it will all be ok." and the good part is... I believe it.

-I also finished a good book today that brought me a feeling of empowerment for my future.
-I installed a second row of shelves in my closet for storage (which I LOVEEE!!)
-Shelves in my craft/office are in and doing a beautiful job at organizing the Yoli in there.
-Saw an amazing Magic show at the YOLI BBQ, spent time with friends, had a zip line adventure (I'll tell you that one another day)
-landscaping is becoming clear, roses are deadheaded, bushes removed, dead shrubs cut out.
-car washed, lawn mowed, edged, (thank you my dear) :) xo
-girls night tonight, had a blast, had some laughs, enjoyed my cherished friendships!
- got some sun, while sipping lemonade and reading a good book.
-played with my kids
-had a presidency meeting
-signed up a new distributor in YOLI- WAHOO.. :)

It's been a good week of productivity, self improvement, love, friendship, and just moving forward to living out my goals and dreams.

I wanted to write this to myself so I would remember this turning point or at least a trend. It's no secret that Lucas has given me a fair amount messes to clean up, small catastrophes to work through, attitude, grief, tears, tantrums and I have documented lots of them on here so when he does something nice I feel it's only fair to do the same... Lately he is having a lot of nice moments and I am really enjoying his personality and I have to say it is a nice change from the constant head butting they we have done for the last 2 1/2 years... yes it's been a long time I've waited to be in a place where we can enjoy each other. I know I have been hard for him to enjoy me as well.

Maybe it's the normal parent relationship with a 2 year old, I don't know... I always have and always will love him but the glimpses of "niceness" have been few and random. He is a strong spirit and on top of that he is agile, determined and more than able to get where he wants to get what he wants. He's soooo busy!

I moved all the kids around because Taylor is following in her brothers footsteps being busy and at this point she's incapable of staying in her bed... Long story short- Lucas is in his own room, so I have gone in to sing with him at night and he has been requesting "itsy bitsy spider" he does all the hand motions and knows all the words. His little voice is so cute, his pronunciation has suffered because of all his ear trauma and inability to hear and it's almost sad how nasally his little singing is. But I could listen to him for hours it's so adorable, and I can't tell you how good it feels to have tender sweet moments with him where he gives hugs and is happy to kiss me goodnight. He is talking more about his needs, feelings, telling stories, trying to sweet talk me and it's nearly irresistible!!

We went to Manda's the other day and she gave Lucas a ride on the mini motorcycle and he had so much fun, it was hysterical seeing tall manda with her knees scrunched up but Luky's face was bright and he was in heaven.. a moment after the ride, she parked the bike. We were both changing diapers on the porch right outside, 20 ft from Lucas. We looked over after hearing metal hit concrete and saw Lucas in the grass and the motorcyle dumped on it's side. I began telling him how he can't get on this himself and then he kind of quietly crumbled began to cry and I realized he was hurt. He burned the back of knee on the hot engine. It was a scarey looking one so we took him in and fixed him up. Probably the size of 2 quarters side by side. (I'll spare you the description) he was already exhausted but he whimpered and just let me hold him. The change is that he wasn't angry and hurt he was sad and hurt. He has just been kinder as a whole.

Point of the story is I am liking him again. I've always loved him- I would do anything for him at any point of my frustration- but it's been a long fight. I like feeling some peace between us, Peace. That's a powerful word when that is ALL you seek from a situation, and when you obtain it you just feel whole.

I love you Lucas, it has been so fun seeing you grow and mature, and I am really enjoying the time we are spending together. You have always been so full of life and energy. You are unique and funny. I love how you always want me to smell you after dad shares his colonge with you on sundays. I love how you can be rough and tumble yet sit so quiet on my lap for a book. I love the sound of your sweet voice and the sound of you singing. I love seeing you learn new things and participate in primary, ride your bike and do tricks on your scooter or skateboard. You are so balanced and athletic- it is going to be so fun watching you choose what direction you want to go with your energy. You always put your shoes on the wrong feet, you are so cute when you take care of Taylor and look after her. You can be such a great brother.

I think all the things we've fought about for the last 2 years are finally starting to pay off in my effort and your understanding. I know we will have more fights and we will disagree on LOTS of things but I want you to know you are my best boy and I love you so much. I hope we can continue to get along, I sure like seeing this side of you. I know I have failed in patience and I'll continue to develop that skill but I want you to know I'm sorry for the hard times we've come through, and I love who you are and who you are becoming.

Love your
Momma.