This post is strictly an "in my head" journaling entry.
I don't suppose it is the goal of any marriage to test this part of the vows we take (or hear in the traditional wedding) when we start out on the adventure of our lives called marriage.
However there comes a time in most marriages when we have a disagreement, where something or someone has to give in, give up, or sacrifice for the greater good of the relationship or family.
Our marriage, apart from friends that we are generally not legally or eternally bound to, is the one relationship we choose to enter into. We don't get to choose our parents, our siblings, our children, grandparents, aunts, cousins etc...(well lets not argue this point for this stories sake)
So why is it then that the one relationship we CHOOSE to be in ends up being fraught with challenges? I find myself in a situation I didn't think I was going to be in again. Justin's apprenticeship took us all over the north west. Some parts of Utah mostly Washington, a little Kansas, and storms back east. Though his apprenticeship is over the economy has left us 18 hours apart in separate countries and in different worlds. The part that is difficult is not living together but how to live together, APART...
I chose a man who is a very hard worker and provides a really comfortable living, and yet even with all that he provides I'm wishing I had less of this world with more of his company... I know to the military families this is certainly no big deal, but the truth is... I didn't sign up for deployments and frankly this is difficult... That's all I'm sayin'....
The kids and I struggle to get along, they miss him and Lucas is especially lost without his father. Justin is definitely a happy influence in our home, a tease, a comic relief, a friend, a playmate, huge help, teethbrusher, diaper changer, laundry man, cook, he vacuums, he tinkers, organizes, fixes, maintains, hugs, holds, smiles....I think he is gone wondering why I miss him beyond the fact that he is an amazing help in all aspects of my life... And though our telephone conversations are brief and we don't get to spend time just connecting in actual conversation life is just better when he's around to be a part of it.
I like to think I can do it all on my own with a smile on my face. I expect myself to handle a full load of house chores, gardening chores, lawn maintenance, church calling, mother, friend, self, mother, mother, sister, business partner, mother, and wife. Kids certainly have no maturity to recognize the effort they require. Their only job is to be happy having minimal responsibilities and enjoying their brief childhood and instead I know they are feeling like they are weathering this difficult time with me. I wonder what they're memories will be of this time of their lives? Will they have any recollection of his absence or will they just remember the feelings in our home? I received a blessing tonight and I think it's time we change our attitude around here from "better or worse" to "better or harder". My attitude has been that this part will be called "the part that was worst". Can it still be hard without being worst? I think so. I must try...
Justin I miss you. We are not the kind that were meant to be apart. I know you are doing your best and you would love to be home with us. I just want you to know we would choose to have you home with us too. Thank you for taking such good care of us, it's because you are so wonderful that life is so hard without you.
I guess in the midst of this trial I wonder what the Lord would have me learn from this situation, is it to be of good cheer? Am I gaining an appreciation of the military families I know? growing in the ways I can be empathetic? To give more service to my children? Selflessness, scheduling? organization? self sufficiency? Patience, humility, sacrifice? Will I recognized what I learned when this too has passed?
I will try to better to learn from my trials so that I can grow and become the woman I want to be. I want to embrace the attitude of better NOT worse. How can I become better from things that make me feel worse? I will decide to grow from the experience... (this is my positive thinking. is it working? :))
Goals this month, get to a temple, say more prayers, smile more, enjoy the little things, call on the Lord for endurance, go to bed earlier. :)
Jenn
3 comments:
Jennis, this brought me to tears because whether or not our husbands are near or far - we all should take on this perspective. You are amazing in the burdens you bear but also in the joy you take in going out and DOING. You will weather this small storm and your children will come out knowing the sacrifices their Dad AND Mom made for them so that they could enjoy a comfortable life. I love you, Jennis. Maybe we could try getting to a temple together! My word is logenst - first glance was 'longest' which seemed oddly appropriate for your post.
Thinking of you.. now I just need to get my act together and have you over sometime. I am glad you were able to ask for a blessing. And I am hoping you are feeling some sort of comfort. Sometimes it's nice to just get it all out their and write your feelings down.
Hopefully we get to see you tomorrow night at dinner!
Dear darling daughter, you have expressed yourself well. There is no honest person who cannot relate to the frustrations you feel, because every relationship has it's "miles between us", whether they be physical miles or distance in ideas and opinions. Still, the destination is worth the walk, many times uphill with pebbles in our shoes, and occasionally, blessedly, sometimes gently downhill through a meadow of flowers. Hang on till tomorrow, and you'll be pleased you were strong enough to climb that hill. I love you.
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